A reason, a season, a lifetime...

Just as quickly as KFS entered my life, he has exited in the same fashion. Though I'm not exactly sure why, it really no longer matters at this point.

The reason why we were in each other's lives was to close a chapter that had been left opened and unfinished for years. That chapter is now closed, the letter has been written and now the reason for us to connect again no longer applies.

I'm not sorry that we met at this point in my life and I don't regret that it didn't happen sooner. I don't think I would have been able to handle it in the way that I am handling it now, considering the grand exit that he has made.

Meeting my bio-dad put into perspective a lot about me, my past, everything that has happened to me and even how I have been towards others.

God put the people in place who were going to stay in my life longer than just for a reason. I'm grateful for what I learned during the brief time he was in my life and wish him the best.

Miss E-isms (Part II)

Here's the latest installment:

1. Miss E is hilarious and a little random...she woke up and said to me, "I need to fix your glasses." She took them off of my face, wiped them off, gave them back to me and went back to sleep.

2. Miss E: "We get our nails done first, then shopping, OK Mommy?" LOL :)


3.While in Wal-Mart: Miss E: "Here Mommy, this will make you feel better!" She hands me a jar of Complete Anti-Wrinkle Cream... thanks a lot... lol.

The kid never ceases to amaze me!

The Unfinished Letter is Finished! (Part II)

I could hardly sleep last night because of all of the questions I have yet to ask KFS were tumbling, spinning, and flipping through my head. As it was, I did not get to bed until sometime after 1 a.m. I was that excited!

And my excitement has not worn off...I found him and he had been looking for me! I'm still shocked at how all of this turned out. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that after all of these years of searching, that I would really and truly find him. It seemed like one of those made-for-tv movies. What's even more surprising to me is that he wanted to find me and wanted me to be a part of his life and I was, even if I was not there physically.

And what unfolded over a five day period was actually 14 years in the making...

I was 11 years old when I found out (by accident) that a relative in my family was actually my biological mother and not the woman I call and still call Mommy. I had randomly come across some medical papers that were in the trunk of my mother's car. When I saw them, I didn't put two and two together. I thought this relative was coincidentally at the hospital the same day I was born for a completely unrelated reason.

When my mother told me otherwise, I didn't know what to do or how to think. Over the years, I was able to get information about KFS. Throughout high school he was never too far from my mind, but I had no idea where to look, how to look or even if I should.

I struggled with this for years and it wasn't until after I finished college and had Miss E did I decided I would search for him and if I didn't find him or if he wanted nothing to do with me, I would put it to rest once and for all.

In 2008, I contacted the college he attended, specifically the alumni association office requesting information about him. The woman with whom I spoke told me that they couldn't give out information because of privacy concerns but that she would forward my info on. I never heard anything. Even though I was disappointed, I felt I had my answer. So I left it alone. Until recently.

I have a Facebook page and every once in awhile, I tried to look up his name without any success. In late January, I found the college alumni association page and added myself as a fan. I had planned to send a message, telling his fellow alumni that I was looking for him, thought better of it and then decided to go back through the alumni association, only this time, I would just ask for a photo.

I sent the same woman I had contacted back in '08 a message. This time telling her a little more about my search, why I was searching, and how that I'd really appreciate, at the very least a photo with him in it.

In the meantime, I had asked an area library for a game photo (he played basketball) based on the game dates I gave the historian.

I checked my e-mail every day and hadn't heard anything. I told my mom about my search and that I would probably give the woman a week to respond and then send my request to another department on campus.

We've been out of school since having a two-hour-early dismissal on Friday and yesterday I had made plans to get ready to go to school mid-afternoon. Before I got myself ready, I checked my e-mail again. And there it was. In my inbox, his name. Right at the top. Being the crybaby that I am, I burst into tears and I hadn't even read the entire message. I didn't know what to think.

I called my mom, told her that he had contacted me. I told her that I didn't know what to say to him or what to do.

She calmed me down, told me to call him and the rest, they say, is history! Now I just want to focus on making up for lost time and to get to know him.

The Unfinished Letter...

is finished! Today has been an amazing day. I don't even know where to begin, but I have found KFS. He is no longer a mystery to me.

More to come...

Miss E-isms (Part I)

So at the suggestion of one of my old college friends(thanks A.B!), I will keep a journal of all the cute, insightful, and hilarious things my daughter says and does. I usually post them in my Facebook status, but what better place than to post them here. So here is the first installment:

1. Miss E and I are sitting in the car in the Wal-Mart parking lot and I hear, "Mommy! I'm hot! I want to be cold! If we go to Wal-Mart, we won't be hot!"

2. So my kid sat in the front seat, attempted to put the seatbelt on and said, "Mommy, I need the keys." Awesome... :)

3. Miss E has the Bible near her and as she was flipping through the pages she said, " I want to read God."

4.Instead of going out and playing in the snow (Miss E was NOT interested) we watched movies and talked about her birthday party...that will be in July...lol.

5.E-ism #101: "It's too loud, Mommy. I can't hear my mouth, okay?"

6.Counting to 20 (According to Miss E)....13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 8,9, 20!

7.My daughter is the sweetest...she knows that I'm not feeling well, so she said a prayer over me and she covered me with her coat...absolutely precious!

8.Out the mouths of babes... "Look at the water! Look at the water! It's too wet!," Miss E said.

10.I love how every song Miss E sings ends with, "Yay!"

And more to come, from my awesome little lady!

P.S. The Unfinished Letter(by the Sylvers)

Even though the song is talking about an unfinished letter to a lover, the song made me think of some things in my life that are unfinished. I feel that there is one thing in my life that is unfinished, one of the few things I really need closure on. I just have to that missing piece. I've been searching for that piece (and peace) for 14 years.

I know I'll always be a work in progress, but there is something that I want to know about. And once I find it, maybe, just maybe, I can put it to rest.

I've sat on it for years and I'm past the stage of worrying about whether or not I will get my feelings hurt or if anyone else's feelings will get hurt, for that matter. KFS, I know you're out there. I just have to find you.

Parenthood...

was something I wholeheartedly expected to NOT do alone. I had envisioned marrying the man of my dreams in a simpe and elegant church wedding, and then having children. I wanted a "traditional" family life. (BUT I've learned that when you do things the "non-traditional" way, not to expect traditional results!)

The trials and triumphs of motherhood and single-motherhood at that, are experiences that have shaped me and forced me to look at things about myself that I don't think I would have had I gone down the traditional route. I had to go through those things in order to better understand myself and what I want for my child.

It's hard though because I don't ever want my child to feel like she's missed out on having her Mommy and Daddy together. I don't want her to feel like she's lost something or that something is missing from her life. She didn't ask to be brought into this, so it's my job to make sure that she understands what she can when it's appropriate and that she understands what it really means to be a family.

First Blog Post

I had been thinking about starting a blog, but couldn't really find a solid justification in doing so. I mean, what do I have to say that would be of any remote interest to anyone? I'm just Allyson (Ally, Al, or AJ to some), nothing special, nothing fancy over here.

So I put it on the back burner. And then I thought about the lack of time that I seem to have these days... running after a two-year-old and teaching, when could I possibly find the time to sit down and type something? So today, I stopped over-analyzing, stopped straddling the fence and decided, why the heck not?

Who knows, maybe at some point, I might say something profound, something worth sharing and someone could read it and then say something like "Wow. She's got something about her. I wonder what else she has to say. She's really touched me. Amazing." (Ha. Yeah, I agree. Not very likely.)

And I guess if you talk to my family and friends, I'm more than just Allyson. I'm a mother, daughter, sister and friend.

So here it is, Bird's Eye...err...Bond's Eye View. Take it for what it's worth. It was free. LOL.